Oh January | Song, Art, & Blog Post

Oh January.
You can't get here quite quick enough.
A new year,
I can finally try to be myself.

One more month then another.
Does the waiting get any better?
Waiting for my chance,
Waiting for the dance,
Waiting to become who I am.

Oh, January.
Do you feel just as I do?
A longing for a change,
For butterflies to remain,
When Spring has finally come
Do you sing?

Do you sing?

One more year then another.
When will the wait finally end;
Waiting just to breathe,
Waiting just to see,
Waiting to become who I am?

Oh… January.
Will you be gone by the morning?
I never knew…
How gladly I would wait just for you.

The feeling you’re living a lie is one of the worst things you can experience.

I have struggled over the years with depersonalization and derealization. Walking through a store, or sitting at home, or even just waking up and feeling this terrible feeling of nothing being real- it’s horrible to experience.

Feeling like you should be somewhere else, or feeling like you should be doing something else, feeling like you should be someone else, or just… feeling this aching emotion of being completely alone. I’ve seen the term Chronic Loneliness before and it feels like the perfect term to describe myself sometimes.

Since my surgery, depression has tried to rear its ugly head. Sitting for days on end, waiting to experience life again… Thoughts and memories come back. You see all these friends and family members— clinging to one another, living life and feeling joy. There’s people you desperately want to see… people you desperately just want to breathe the same air with… people to want to see you.

~

I don’t want to sugar-coat my emotions in this blog. People have enough of a hard time dealing with fake news, fake people, and fake media in general. I would rather read and write something real and genuine and beautiful.

~

Patience is difficult.

I remember many… many painful nights just praying for my pain to go away… praying for this unending loneliness to go away… surrounded by people yet still feeling lonely…

If I could just get to next year. If I could just try again. If I could just give tomorrow my best…

Last year or so, I gave myself a year to dress ‘girlie.’ I went all out! I tried so hard to be this person everyone wanted to see me as. I tried so hard to be pretty. I tried so hard to keep my face clean and just… be who I thought would make everyone happy.

I changed… a lot last year. I continued to change this year. We, even as adults, never stop changing.

Coming back to dressing how I want - how I used to in High School: Wearing black, comfortable flannels, dangling chains, ear gauges, bullets for necklaces… It’s… me.

There is this inner turmoil inside of me. I desperately want to make people proud of me. But… If I spend all my energy doing that, then… I lose myself.

I am a Christian. I love people, and I adore children, and flowers! But I also love dressing roughly, I love getting dirty- driving fast, listening to rock music and just enjoying… life. I always try to love others when I can, and take care of people and strangers when they need help. I pray at night and cling to hope in the day.

I whole heartily believe that God is bright enough to shine through me no matter how I dress.

It’s taken me many years to figure myself out. It’s taken many years to love my own skin. I will never be perfect.
And neither will you.
And that’s… beautiful!

I urge you to cling to God in all the mess of the world. And if you need to be messy to love yourself, then do it.

Don’t wait until January to give yourself a chance. Don’t wait for the new year to be who you’re meant to be.

Be joyful now.

Galatians 5:22-23

New King James Version

22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law.