Flashlight | Art & Poem/Lyrics
Light in the Night of my Life
Valleys and pits, I have walked through
Stars in the sky, I have talked to
Mind and my heart, I have never knew
All of these things, and what I have been through.
A sea in the mist, I can’t run on,
The human I am is all wrong,
The person I was has been gone,
The person I want to be, I have prayed on.
If I could be all that you’ve hoped for,
I would be anything and more,
But failure became me,
Tragedy shaped me,
Fears they have blocked me,
Darkness became me.
And I am just trying to do the best that I can,
Living for things I never would have planned,
Trying to be better, trying to be all that I am.
I cannot save me.
Jesus has saved me.
He was the light that stood firm,
A blind in the eye, a new turn,
Someone I’ve left behind, if for a term,
Love that never left, and still burns!
The hem of the garment, I have reached,
He gave me the breath, I have always breathed,
He lives in my heart, I will always need,
Out of his body, he bled for me.
And I never claimed to be any good,
I am a sin-filled Christian, misunderstood,
I don’t always do as I should,
He was the boat in the storms I’ve withstood.
And I am just trying to do the best that I can,
Living for things I never would have planned,
Trying to be better, trying to be all that I am.
I cannot save me.
Jesus has saved me.
And I will try to be better
And remember it was God, for why I’ve endeavored,
We can climb out of the valley together,
Just carry His light, no matter the weather.
This story has never been about me,
I am not enough, and that’s how it’s supposed to be,
He is all I could ever need,
The one in my heart, the one that set me free,
Jesus
It’s been a while since I’ve been on here hasn’t it? The holidays definitely got the best of me for a while. Now don’t get me wrong, I love them! Especially Christmas! Christmas is definitely my favorite Holiday, but last year… man~
I truly believe I have overcome Depression with God’s help, if anything, I have overcome the self-hatred I carried for so many years. It was truly awful feeling like a stranger in my skin… I hated it.
However, I do still become overwhelmed- perhaps this is more anxiety than depression'; The undeniable raw feeling of constant background ‘noise’, followed by numbness and even fear at times. I struggle with loneliness too, that unbearable sinking feeling of low self-worth and deserved-ness? For a while I was feeling that loneliness mixed with overstimulation- it wasn’t anyone’s fault or anything of course, I just go through waves and cycles~
Lately, I’ve felt… incredible, new. I feel so grateful for these feelings of contentment, for the peace, and for hope. I never know where my life is going to go next, but… I feel good, and that God is there beside me. I’ve also been helping in my church, and it’s given me a purpose I truly adore. It’s also given me a much needed responsibility, and something for me to care for.
I wrote this poem? Rap? Lyrics? Early one morning right after waking up. It doesn’t happen often, but sometimes I wake up with words and feelings in my head that I need to get out.
I compared God and Jesus to a flashlight, because I can’t deny, that’s how I’ve treated Him before… Someone I’ve kept in my pocket until needed, or lost in darkness. I really wish I didn’t treat Him like that… I get so busy sometimes, and not necessarily with anything in particular, but I get busy in my own head! I even forget to message family and friends because I’m busy drowning out everything else.
I truly love Jesus! I truly love my family and friends! And yet… I hide them away, even when I need them. This may be because of my ADHD too- I’m sure it is. Anytime I catch myself, or remind myself, I make sure to say a small ‘I love you Jesus.’
This world is dark and cold. The ‘flashlight’ in my pocket is bright and warm. Why do I forget and forego? I don’t know… I do try to do better in my realizations and look-backs, and… I believe the Lord sees this. I’m not perfect, and I’m not even sure I’m good! But, He is… and that’s enough!
-
-Through the Mist-
My mind is hazy,
But I’m trying anyway.
He, in my heart, leads.
-
John 8:12
Then Jesus spoke to them again, saying, “I am the light of the world. He who follows Me shall not walk in darkness, but have the light of life.”
